The 3 "P's" of Fatherhood

I have a friend who coaches his son’s soccer team. In a recent blog post, he shared this funny yet impactful story:

After introductions and warm-ups at the first practice, I started with the basics. I taught them how to keep your body between the defender and the ball to shield it and look for a pass. We practiced it a lot and then continued learning other things for the next practice or two leading up to our first game.

Early on in the first game, one of the best players on our team got to the ball and immediately put himself in perfect position as I had taught - between the ball and the defender. And then he continued to move around it so nobody else could get to it. Brilliant!

Except in soccer the point is putting the ball in the goal, not just playing a game of keep away. Of course the kids knew that, but they were doing as I had told them and not worrying about what really mattered. Although I definitely worked on teaching them more effective skills in future practices, our team did not score many goals. (find the full story here)

The point is that sometimes we get so caught up in perfect execution that we forget the ultimate goal.

Parenting advice can be the same way. The two times in my life when I was most overwhelmed with advice was when I first became a husband and when I first became a father. Those of us who have gone through those two life-changing experiences know that many people come out of the wood works to offer sound advice. It can all be a bit overwhelming.

Fortunately, we have The Family: A Proclamation to the World. In this document, inspired by God and written by apostles and prophets, we have clear guidance on what the goals of a husband and father should be:

“By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families.” (Find the full proclamation here)

So the goal of the husband and father can be broken down to the 3 P’s:

• Preside

• Provide

• Protect

Preside

Often times we like to think of presiding as being large and in-charge--the head honcho. Our corporate and political leaders reinforce this line of thinking. For example, I once worked at a place where the company’s executives had a separate parking garage and hallway to their offices because heaven forbid they mingle with the commoners.

However, Paul gives us a bit more clarity as to what it means to preside. He says,

"For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church." (Ephesians 5:23)

So how should a husband and father preside? Even as Christ leads the church. And just in case we aren’t clear about what that entails, Paul continues:

"Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it." (Ephesians 5:25)

Men, do we give ourselves to our families? Presiding shouldn’t be a perk for the privileged; it should be a responsibility to serve. Christ never used his position to advance himself. Instead, he suffered more than anyone for the benefit of everyone.

Fathers need to do the same. If there is work to be done--even inside the house--father needs to be the one to take ownership. If there are sacrifices to be made, father needs to take the brunt of it.

In the Doctrine and Covenants, we also learn how a presider should make decisions:

"No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned;

"By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile." (Doctrine and Covenants 121:41-42)

Presiding doesn’t mean making decisions and justifying them with, “Because I said so”. It means making decisions with input from others and persuading them when you think they are wrong. It means loving and suffering with others when they make mistakes and striving to have all of your interactions be characterized with gentleness and meekness, but without hypocrisy or guile.

Providing

Again, from Paul we learn:

If any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith and is worse than an infidel. (1 Timothy 5:8)

This of course means that husbands and fathers need to work hard to provide an income, but providing goes beyond income. It also relates to how we spend. In True to the Faith we read:

Look to the condition of your finances. Discipline yourself in your purchases, avoiding debt to the extent you can. In most cases, you can avoid debt by managing your resources wisely. If you do incur debt, such as a reasonable amount in order to purchase a modest home or complete your education, work to repay it as quickly as possible and free yourself from bondage. When you have paid your debts and accumulated some savings, you will be prepared for financial storms that may come your way. You will have shelter for your family and peace in your heart (pages 48-49).

Providing also extends beyond finances. Again from The Family: A Proclamation to the World we read:

Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. (Find the full proclamation here)

This means that husbands are not only required to provide for the physical needs of their families, but their emotional and spiritual needs as well. This takes time. It means that if basic needs are met, spending countless hours at the office is not “providing for our families.” To be sure, we need to spend enough time to meet our employer’s expectations, plus a little more, but getting ahead professionally at the expense of our families means that you are failing your duty to provide.

In addition to our time, our children need to see that their father and mother have a strong relationship. When I received my patriarchal blessing, the patriarch made a point to tell me, “The best thing you can ever do for your children is to love their mother.”

Since I became a father, I’ve come to notice that children feel much more secure when their parents have a good relationship, and they look to their parents to model what a good relationship looks like. Men, treating our wives well is probably the most important way we can provide happiness for our children.

Protect

When we think of protecting our families, our first thoughts go to protecting them from physical harm. We make sure they have a safe home. We make sure they buckle-up, and stay out of the road. However, compared to children of past generations, our children are much more likely to face spiritual threats than physical ones. So how can we protect them?

The first step is to make our home into spiritual fortresses. This means preventing anything inappropriate from entering our homes. It means monitoring the media our children consume, but it also means monitoring our own use. Even if we view inappropriate media when and where the kids can’t see, we are preventing the spirit from entering our homes and hearts and in doing so we weaken our families spiritual protection.

This should go without saying, but unfortunately it does not. A man who protects his family should avoid pornography like the plague, for that’s what it is--the plague of our modern society. Viewing pornography will weaken your spirit. It will prevent you from receiving revelation to guide and bless your family. It will destroy your ability to love your wife the way she deserves. If anyone reading this is trapped in a pornography addiction, please get help and stop now.

Unfortunately, no matter how well we protect our homes from spiritual danger, we can’t keep our children in our homes forever, so how can we protect them when we can’t be there with them? Well just as a soldier will ensure he has the proper training and equipment before going into battle, we can train and equip our children with the armor of God. We train and equip them through family home evening, family prayer and scripture study, one-on-one interviews and outings, family meals, and just by spending quality time together.

Being a father is hard. I know that I have a lot of work to do in some of these areas. I also know that some mothers have to shoulder these burdens without the help of a husband. “Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation[, and] extended families should lend support when needed.” (The Family: A Proclamation to the World) However, by focusing on the goals of presiding, providing, and protecting, we can help our children succeed in this life and qualify for eternal life hereafter.